Wait ...

Life was always a matter

of waiting for the right moment 

to act.

Paulo Coelho

Hi everyone! I'm overdue with this post and wanted to let you know that it's because I'm away until June 10th, working on the ethereal chronic sorrow book project.

I have attempted to write this book two or three times since my husband's death but each time have banged up against the truth in the words, it's hard to think and grieve at the same time. So, I have had to be patient and wait. Now, almost nine years since Derrick's death, I think the timing may finally be right.

Waiting is not my strong suit. I am a goal oriented person who is a little anxious until a project is completed (as opposed to being a process driven person who becomes anxious when he or she has to close down the possibilities and finish a project). My husband knew this aspect of my personality well so, during the last year of his life, while confined to bed but still wanting to make a positive difference in the lives of those he loved, he made me, and others, what he called "clay words",  clay disks with a special word carved in each one. People received disks saying peace, be still, joy, breathe, be well, rest.  Mine said, wait.

Wait? Why had he given me wait? Of all the lovely, inspiring words he could have chosen to leave behind for me, he chose wait ? I'm afraid I was a mite ungrateful until I read the painstakingly written note that accompanied the disk. He had used the word wait because he knew that soon he would no longer be here to balance my goal-driven behaviour with his process orientation. He wanted to remind me that waiting is a virtue I need to continue to cultivate, particularly at times when I'm stressed and wanting to jump to closure to reduce my anxiety.

There are many benefits to learning to wait. Here are just a few:

1.  It allows time to drop into the wisdom of our bodies. This is important for those of us who tend to move into our heads when stressed. We can benefit from the information gained through noticing the clenching and relaxing of our muscles, the constriction and expansion of our breath. When we "wait a minute" and listen to our bodies, we often find  the path to our best choices or decisions.  (Gendlin's book, Focusing, will show you how to do this.) 

 2.  It allows the picture to clarify fully. Often we act before considering all aspects of an issue or situation, sometimes with disastrous consequences. If we wait long enough to reflect and see the situation for what it is, with both its gifts and hidden pitfalls, we are more likely to to act wisely.

3.  It allows time to gather needed resources. Sometimes we need to wait for inner resources to accumulate - strength, energy, faith. Other times we need to wait for concrete external resources - money, time, tools, emotional support. When everything is finally in place, that is often a sign that the time is right to act.

4.  It allows us space to learn more about ourselves and our process. Where is our anxiety coming from? Goal or process? Or something else? What is it about the decision, project, or action that is making us feel threatened? Is there truly something dangerous in this situation or are we responding to emotional learning from something in our pasts? If we wait and take the time to reflect, we can track our responses and learn more about our patterns for next time.

5.  It allows the virtue of patience to develop more strongly within us. I don't know about you, but I can have buckets of patience for others, while having very little for myself at times. Learning to wait and be patient with myself is an act of self-compassion that gives me room to breathe and be.

6.  It allows those developing a spiritual practice of  contemplative prayer or meditation the time to  listen for the "still, small voice" within for wisdom and guidance.

7.  It allows us to tap into the natural rhythms of life - the growth cycles and seasons of nature. Both the ancient Judeo-Christian writings and the words of modern songsters speak of "a time for every purpose under heaven". If we wait and listen with our inner ears, we may come to realize that the season is right for a particular action. The healing or grieving is done, the soil is prepared, and the time for planting is here.

These are just a few of the benefits of waiting. Now, on this side of husband's death, I understand much  more clearly why he left the word, wait, to guide my path. Do, please, add more benefits if you have noticed others in your own lives.

See you again after June 12th!

30x30 Challenge: You. Outside. In Nature.

It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes 

a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something,

that quality of air, that emanation from old trees, 

that so wonderfully changes and renews

a weary spirit.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Hi everyone! Mea culpa, mea culpa - I'm completely remiss in writing this post so far into the month of May. I had heard of David Suzuki's 30x30 Challenge back in April and had meant to share it with you at the beginning of the month but, with the busyness of workshops in Prince George, Kamloops, Kelowna, and Maple Ridge, I completely forgot. 

It wasn't until I was driving to the pool at lunchtime today and heard David interviewed on CBC's Q with Jian Ghomeshi  that the penny dropped. So, here is the post - better late than never. (You could join me in taking up the challenge a week late and just extend your commitment an extra week into June - or even continue it on throughout the year!)

Those of us who spend our time caring for others may be shocked, when asked, to discover that it's been months or even years since we last lay in the grass staring up at the sky or stood close to a tree breathing in the cool air descending from its branches or picked sun-warmed salmon berries or blackberries from a bush in the local woods. It is so easy to shift our attention away from Nature but we do so at our own peril.

It is our hearts and minds, disconnected from our natural environment, that pose the greatest threat to the sustainability of our planet. If we don't have an intimate relationship with Mother Earth, we won't care what happens to her, and if we don't care what happens to her, we won't act on her (and our own) behalf.

So, What is the Challenge? 

The David Suzuki Foundation's 30x30 Challenge offers us the opportunity to reinvest in our relationship with Mother Earth and with ourselves and families. The challenge is simple, though for some, perhaps not easy. It asks Canadians to commit to spending 30 minutes in nature each day for 30 days, starting on May 1st (oops!).

All you have to do is to join the challenge on the Foundation website and then get out in nature for at least 30 minutes for 30 days. The website offers opportunities for individuals or whole workplaces to sign up and goes on to offer tips and inspiration to get you started. There is also a chance to submit photos from your encounters with Nature for weekly prizes and, if you complete the opening and closing surveys, you can win a prize package from Genuine Health.

The greatest benefits, though, will be to your own life and to the life of the planet. (See these great website graphics for a rundown.) As David says:

2 minutes exposure to nature

relieves stress as measured by muscle tension, blood pressure & brain activity

2 hours exposure to nature

improves memory performance and attention span by 20%+

2 days consecutive exposure to nature

boosts levels of cancer fighting white blood cells by 50%

Why would we not do this?? 

Even family caregivers can ask family, friends or caregiving professionals to be with their care recipients for 30 minutes a day so they can walk or sit under a tree in their garden or park and soak up the scenery. There's so much to gain that it's worth starting right now. (And if 30 minutes is completely beyond you, why not try 5 minutes and gradually work your way up?)

I'm starting tonight, with a good brisk sit at the Lake. (Well, I have already done an hour of aerobic aqua-fit today...) Why not join me by getting out into your own neighbourhood green spaces? You, like this woman, will be glad you did! 

CaringBridge.org: An Amazing Resource ...

Hi everyone! Here is a great resource for family caregivers and for the helping professionals and volunteers who support them. It's called CaringBridge.org and it's a brilliant concept.

I hadn't heard of Caring Bridge until this morning when I received an email from my friend, Terry Saracino, at Enneagram Worldwide to say that our beloved, Dr David Daniels, (author of the little yellow Enneagram book I use in my workshops) is having open heart surgery on May 10th and that rather than contacting him directly, we can follow his progress and send our prayers and good wishes via CaringBridge.

It turns out that CaringBridge is a non-profit organization, based in Minnesota, that eases communication and encourages love and support when it matters most.

Think of us as an online space where you can connect, share news, and receive support. It's your very own social network, coming together on your personalized website. And, thanks to those who donate, we are available 24/7 to anyone, anywhere, at no cost.

CaringBridge offers CaringBridge Sites, personal, protected websites that make it easy to stay connected during any type of health event, and SupportPlanners, calendars that help family and friends to coordinate care and organize helpful tasks, like bringing a meal, offering rides, taking care of pets and other needs.

Organization founder, Sona Mehring, hatched the original CaringBridge website in 1997 when:

... good friends of mine had a premature baby. They asked me to let everyone know what was happening. Instead of making emotional and time draining phone calls, I created a website. In fact, the same night their baby Brighid was born the first Caring Bridge website was started.

CaringBridge instantly became a connection point in ways that were extremely personal and powerful for everyone. The site allowed family members to communicate information to a wide circle of people. They posted daily journal entries and the guestbook enabled visitors to send the family messages of love and encouragement.

It was obvious that CaringBridge could help any family going through a health event - not only by letting everyone know what was happening but by bringing that loving, supportive community together. CaringBridge could let them be there without the barrier of when, where and how. It's vital that anyone going through any type of health event knows about CaringBridge. 

Our services are free for anyone in need thanks to individuals and families who donate.

The website, itself, is clear, easy-to-use and each page is short enough to accommodate even the most caregiving-addled brain.

Where was this wonderful service during my family caregiving years?? It would certainly have made a huge difference. And it makes a difference today as we convey our love and support to David and his family. Thank you, CaringBridge!  If you want to learn more or to start your own site just
click here.

A Walk at the Lake in the Spring ...

... when you give yourself to places, 

they give you yourself back;

the more one comes to know them, 

the more one seeds them with 

the invisible crop of memories and associations

that will be waiting for you to come back ...

Rebecca Solnit

           Wanderlust: A History of Walking

I've just come back from a walk at the lake, something I do less frequently now that the arthritis in my toes, the legacy of years of nursing, over-powerwalking and hiking, makes itself known. The breeze was brisk in the bright sunlight as I stepped out of the car and strode the familiar route down the driveway, up the short hill and into the dappled shade of the lane leading to a green-tunnelled pathway down to the water. 

The bushes, shrubs and trees encircling the path were a plethora of tender Monet greens and the tree-lined fields that surrounded them were beginning to fill with dandelions, an advance guard for the buttercups and cow parsley to come. The air smelled like it does every spring - fresh and floral and clean. How many times had we walked these same steps over the years? Hundreds? A thousand?

I continued down the hill toward the water, under the spreading branches of two vast maple trees, their leaves still a little tented, waiting for another few days of full sun, and reminding me of partially-opened parachutes. The pathway curved to the left as it reached the bottom of the hill and morphed into the boardwalk that skirts much of the northern lake shore. Just before emerging into the sunlight, I noticed that the swallows were nesting, again, in bird boxes hung high on the trees for relative quiet and safety.

On I walked, past the canoe dock dancing happily on small sparkily waves, past the turtle log were no turtles warmed their backs today, up the little hill and past the well-kept gardens of the few houses remaining on the park property and, turning right,  I crossed over the small bridge above the now moderately-flowing stream leaving the lake for the sea.  (It had been in full spate the last time I'd walked this way.) I paused, bellied up to the cool stone wall of the bridge, and leaned over a little to watch the sun filtering through the leaves onto the surface of the running water.

As I continued on,  through the two old drystone fence posts, across the water meadows, along the shore, through the patch of woods and then back again, past the Arts Centre and through the botanical gardens resplendent in a blanket of cherry blossom, azaleas, rhododendrons, magnolias, bluebells and lily-of-the-valley, I  suddenly remembered a similar day several years ago, when I had also walked alone, my husband at home in bed, wishing he'd been able to share the morning walk with me - just one more time.

That morning, I'd grabbed my camera from the back seat of the car and, feeling both guilty for being out and free on such a beautiful day and excited at the thought of it, I determined to take pictures of each and every phase of the walk so I could share it with him when I got home. The memory of that sharing is, and was even then, both lovely and bittersweet. 

As I lay with my head beside Derrick's on the pillow, we looked at the pictures and smiled and cried and remembered other spring mornings filled with laughter, teasing, serious discussions and more than one raging argument. As Rebecca Solnit wrote so beautifully, our many walks at the lake had seeded an invisible crop of memories and associations that, even today, wait for me to come back to reclaim them.

3rd Compassion Fatigue Conference ...

Hi everyone! Here's a reminder of the annual Compassion Fatigue Conference to be held in Kingston, Ontario on June 4 & 5.

The conference, sponsored by Francoise Mathieu and her team at Compassion Fatigue Solutions, focuses on Organizational Health and Hands-on Wellness Strategies and will be held at the Ambassador Conference Centre on the outskirts of Kingston.

The speakers, this year, are varied and interesting including:

1.  Kristin Neff, PhD - Self Compassion and Emotional Resilience

2.  Francoise Mathieu, MEd - The Times, They Are Changing: How to Navigate the Changing Workscape

3.  Leslie Ann Ross, PsyD - Organizational Strategies for Workplaces With High Trauma Exposure

4.  Andree Jette - For Better and for Laughter: How to Manage Your Energy Capital


There will also be a variety of talks on train the trainer, workplace CF initiatives, mindfulness, stress control, managing conflict, vision boards for creative wellness, and change leadership.


Conference fee:  $350 + HST + 4.75 event fee
Group rates are available

If you have any questions, email or call Francoise:  info@compassionfatigue.ca  (613-547-3247)


(If you're planning to attend, please register NOW as the rooms are block-booked and will be released after May 3rd. You will only be able to book a room by contacting the Ambassador Resort directly. ie not through Expedia or Hotels.com. These websites will say that there are no rooms but, in fact, they are just being saved for the conference - until May 3rd.)

Enjoy!

A 5 Step Practice for Greeting the Morning ...

Now that spring is here, the mornings are arriving at an earlier and earlier hour. How we greet these mornings can make a significant difference to the rest of our day.

Here are some ideas for a simple morning practice that will help you to start your own day well:



1.  Open your eyes, smile and breathe:

Waking up this morning, I smile.

Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.

I vow to live fully in each moment

and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.

Thich Nhat Hanh

In the Cherokee tradition, the element associated with

 the time of dawn and awakening is air or wind. As we rise

each morning we are reminded of our own call to awaken

to the needs around us. We inhale that first deep breath of the day

and remember that we are sustained moment by moment through

the gift of breath. The dawn is the time of promise,

when the world seems full of possibility.

We are invited to hope and new beginnings.

Christine Painter

If possible, wake yourself with gentle music. Smile as you return to consciousness and breathe some deep full breaths, in and out. (The word, inspiration comes from the Latin, spiritus, which means spirit or breath. Each moment of the day, we are in-spired with this sustaining breath or spirit.)

2.  S-t-r-e-t-c-h:

Stretching is easy to learn. But there is a right way and a wrong way

to stretch. The right way is a relaxed, sustained stretch with your 

attention focused on the muscles being stretched.

Bob Anderson

Now, take a satisfying, full-body stretch to increase the blood flow to sleep-cramped muscles then rise slowly from your bed. Stretch again by gently shaking out all the parts of your body you can comfortably shake. Then, holding your hands palms upward toward the sky, reach as high as you can for a count of ten. Then, let your arms and head hang down toward the floor. Finish with some waist twists, letting your arms swing, and then drink a glass of water to banish the dehydration of the night.

3.  Sit and give thanks:

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have

into enough and more.

Melodie Beattie

Sit in a quiet spot in your home, settling into a comfortable position. You might like to light a candle to welcome the coming day. Think of at least three things for which you are thankful - the beauty of the new day, the love of a partner, a roof over your head when the rain is falling, shoes for your feet, or the chair you're sitting on. Write each one in a gratitude journal or just let the thankfulness flow through you.

4.  Meditate and/or pray

Meditation brings with it inner peace.

Mayo Clinic

Prayer makes your heart bigger.

Mother Teresa

Spend a few moments in quiet meditation and/or prayer according to your faith tradition. If you haven't a regular practice, writer and teacher, Geri Larkin, suggests the following meditation in Spirituality and Health Magazine:

With your eyes slightly open, sit on the chair with your back straight, feet flat on the ground, and hands on your lap. Take a few deep belly breaths and wish the world well - allow images of the people, places, and things to randomly flit across your thoughts, and with each image simply think, Take good care of yourself.

 You'll find that there is a slight pause after the initial rush of images. When that happens all you have to do is to breathe quietly and deeply, listening to whatever sounds are filling the space around you. If you find yourself worrying or cranky about something just tell yourself, It's okay, and go back to listening.

 This is not a time for problem solving or for mentally writing that rebuttal to a tweet that nastified you. Instead, let yourself feel how good it feels to be taken care of by the world, which has given you this chair to sit on, the beauty of the light from the candle, and the energy of the sounds around you. 

Sit like this for a few minutes, or longer if you like. 

For those of you who would like to engage in a more formal practice, mindfulness meditation and centering prayer are two of many possibilities you can explore.

5.  Read something inspirational:

Man's reading should be intensely alive. The book

should be a ball of light in one's hand.

Ezra Pound

Reading a brief passage of something inspirational can help to set you off on the right foot for even the hardest day. I try to keep a number of books by my bed, and more by my meditation chair, to dip into each morning. Among my favourites are:

1. To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings by John O'Donohue

2.  Quiet Mind: One-Minite Retreats from a Busy World by David Kundtz

3.  Moments In Between: The Art of a Quiet Mind by David Kundtz

4.  A Life of Being, Having and Doing Enough by Wayne Muller

5.  Morning Mist: Thoreau and Basho Through the Seasons by Mary Kullberg

6.  A Thousand Mornings: Poems  by Mary Oliver (And most of her other works)

7.  Listening Below the Silence: A Meditation on the Practice of Silence by Anne LeClaire

8.  Mitten Strings for God: Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry by Katrina Kenison

9.  99 Blessings: An Invitation to Life by Br David Steindl-Rast

10. Teaching With Fire: Poetry That Sustains the Courage to Teach - SM Intrator, Editor 

Now, like all other practices, this one will only help your day to go well if you actually practice it! So, may I suggest giving it a try for one week and then deciding for yourself whether the difference in your experience is worth the time (under 30 minutes)?

Perception ...

Hi everyone! This has been a busy week what with travelling back from a retreat at the Bethlehem Retreat Centre, (my favourite quiet get-away, which I highly recommend to any of you wanting a simple, beautiful, nurturing environment in which to recharge your batteries), and Easter weekend with my surrogate family in Nanaimo and then getting ready for a workshop with the Q'wemtsin Health Society in Kamloops next week.

Despite the busyness, I've had two opportunities to notice what a difference perception can make to any situation in our lives. The first opportunity was on Wednesday morning as I considered going to my thrice-weekly aquafit class. Looking at my to-do list, I knew I would have to rush to get to the pool on time and that going home to shower and change before my afternoon meeting would likely cut into my lunch break. All of a sudden, the class became just one more thing to fit in - more of a burden than a help. I eventually decided to go to the pool anyway and as I slipped into the water I was surprised to remember the wise words of a grief counsellor I worked with during Derrick's illness:

Jan, there are two ways of "being" in the water. You can go and slog through the exercise routine, feeling bored and worrying the whole time time about the things you should or could be doing at home. Or, you can be truly present in the moment, consciously perceiving the refreshing, cool, wetness of the water against your skin; its buoyancy as it supports and carries you; the exercises, themselves, gently stretching the tension from your neck and shoulders; the joy of the music and the waves, both enlivening your spirit.

Two very different perceptions of the same activity, one helpful and the other, not so much. When I consider the difference between the two, I realize that, for me, perception is a matter of choice. If I look at the class as something I "have" to do, I feel stressed and resentful. If I see it as a source of nurturing, buoyant support, and veriditas in the middle of my day, it feeds and refreshes me.

The second opportunity to notice perception at work came yesterday as I walked into Granville Market to have a latte while I did some writing. As I walked the length of the Market, I became aware of white and blue posters on each of the twelve thick wooden posts supporting the roof. The posters were labelled, Poetry in Transit, and each sported the work of a BC poet. The one I liked best was called I am not old by Samantha Reynolds from her book, bentlily: a collection of poems:


I am not old

I am not old, she said
I am rare

I am the standing ovation
at the end of the play

I am the retrospective
of my life
as art

I am the hours
connected like the dots
into good sense

I am the fullness
of existing

you think I am waiting to die
but I am waiting to be found

I am a treasure
I am a map
these wrinkles are imprints
of my journey

ask me
anything. 


Rare. Standing ovation. Art. Good sense. Treasure.  These are not the words we usually associate with aging and yet what a wonderful picture they paint of the second half of life. Once again, choice is at the core of perception. While we can't choose the manner or length of our aging, we can choose our perception of the process. Perceiving ourselves and aging others as rare treasures waiting to be found, with wisdom and good sense to offer, is much different from perceptions of helplessness, hopelessness, and infirmity. Once we become aware of our automatic perceptions, we have the opportunity to reframe them.

So, what about you? What are the areas in your life where you could use a perception tune-up? Think of the situations where you routinely feel discouraged or out-of-sorts. Is there a chance that becoming more conscious and reframing your perceptions could make a difference to those parts of your day? (I don't mean that we should "just put on a happy face" in difficult situations. But we might be able to find a way to put the best spin on things that integrity will allow and then reap the benefits in both mood and energy. Why not give it a try?