Intentions for David Daniels ...

Hello, everyone,

A few posts ago, I wrote about the new Enneagram website at Enneagram Worldwide. In that post, I mentioned Dr David Daniels, professor of clinical psychiatry and behavioural sciences at Stanford School of Medicine, one of my beloved Enneagram teachers and mentors, and the author of The Essential Enneagram.

This evening I received an email from Terry Saracino, President of Enneagram Worldwide, sharing the news that David will be having a mitral valve replacement on Tuesday July 15th, his second open heart surgery in two years.

Terry has asked for our prayers and positive intentions for David and his family and I echo that request here. David is enormously grateful for the support already beginning to pour in from around the world. His family have requested that those of you who know David follow his progress in the journal entries on CaringBridge rather than contacting him directly. Just use the CaringBridge link and type in David Neil Daniels to reach his private webpage. (There are two David Daniels webpages so be sure to type in his middle name.)

David has touched many, many lives over the years through both his writing and teaching. Those of us in the Narrative Tradition community of Enneagram teaching have benefitted beyond words from his quiet wisdom, wry sense of humour and consummate skill at interviewing panel participants. Having had the honour of being a participant on two of his panels, I can say that they are nothing short of life-changing. We need many more years of his warm and loving presence among us.

Thank you so much for your support for David and his family,

Jan

ps I think the whole core team at Enneagram Worldwide - Terry, Helen Palmer, Peter O'Hanrahan, Marion Gilbert and Renee Rosario - could do with our warm intentions as well. David is one of the co-founders of Enneagram Worldwide and an important component in the glue that holds the team together.

Summer Camping for Family Caregivers ...

Hi everyone!

I'm back from a wonderful two weeks at the cottage and am beginning to take on the tasks of real life again. While standing in line at the grocery store this morning, I heard the mom of a disabled child commenting to a friend that camping was great but not exactly a rest for moms. Then, later in the morning, I received an email containing the following poem written by Luci Shaw from her book, Water Lines:

Camping

The river rushes along in a hurry
to get somewhere. Our tent is pitched close;
above the oxymoron of its noisy hush
we, in folding chairs on the bank,
wait to slow down, to let the mind wander,
to to turn primitive. Simplicity
is what we say we want - the current's
single-mindedness, even its monotony.

A week goes by. It would be so good
to be aimless. To be content to be aimless.

But we are mothers, keepers of homes.
At the campsite we work to keep the firewood dry,
the butter cool, the food secure from bears.
the tent zipped against mosquitoes,
the water heating for coffee.

We are caught - neither civilized or wild.
Even in the deep forest the houses in town call us,
the families, the phone messages, the bills to be paid,
the laundry; our guilt is alive and waiting.

Out in the centre of the riverbed a single boulder,
embedded in a pebble shoal, sun-washed, gleams.


The message I took from the busy mom's comment, and the poem that followed, is that trying to maintain a normal life for families while caring for an ill or disabled loved one is hard work, even - or especially - during vacation and holiday times.

The picture above was taken of my goddaughter and her mom while we were camping at Porteau Cove many years ago. Her mom, a carepartner extraordinaire, managed to do everything mentioned in the poem and more, but I'm sure that, given half a chance, she would have hired a caregiver's caregiver to come along and allow her some time to taste the simplicity and monotony she was creating so generously for us.

So, if you're camping with a family caregiver this weekend, perhaps you could offer to cook a meal or cut some firewood or do a round of dishes so she can rest awhile in one of those folding chairs ...? She (or he) certainly deserves it!

Books For the Cottage ...

Hi everyone,

I was in the midst of packing this morning when I realized that I hadn't posted my usual summer reading list. Instead, I'll offer you the the titles I'm taking with me to the cottage. I hope something here tweaks your interest:

1.  Poemcrazy: Freeing Your Life With Words by Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge (1997) This wee book is a lovely, joyful collection of meditations and techniques for approaching the art of poetry writing. (And I love the picture on the cover!)

2.  Meeting the English by Kate Clanchy (2013) This "bright story about dark subjects" begins with the main character answering an ad - "Literary Giant seeks young man to push bathchair. Own room in Hampstead, all found, exciting cultural milieu. Modest wage. Ideal 'gap year' opportunity. Apply Prys Box 4224XXC."  This book was placed in every room of the small boutique hotel in London where my good friend, Elaine, spent the last night of her British vacation last year. She says its an easy, moving read.

3. River Flow: New and Selected Poems by David Whyte (Revised edition 2012) This is the description of River Flow copied from its back cover - River Flow contains over one hundred poems selected from five previously published works, together with 23 new poems, including a tribute to an Ethiopean woman navigating her first escalator, a meditation of love and benediction for a young daughter and a cycle of Irish poems that convey a deep love of the land and a lifelong appreciation for its wisdom.

4.  Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor (2014)  This is a spiritual exploration of the positive aspects of darkness from the New York Times best selling author of Leaving Church. She writes: Darkness is shorthand for anything that scares me - either because I am sure that I do not have the resources to survive it or because I do not want to find out. 

If I had my way, I would eliminate everything from chronic back pain to the fear of the devil from my life and the lives of those I love. At least I think I would. The problem is this: when, despite all my best efforts, the lights have gone off in my life, plunging me into the kind of darkness that turns my knees to water, I have not died. The monsters have not dragged me out of bed and taken me back to their lair. 

Instead, I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.

5.  Hunting Shadows by Charles Todd (2014) This is the latest in the Inspector Ian Rutledge mystery series, set in post WW I England. Inspector Rutledge has returned from war suffering from severe posttraumatic stress and the series investigates the usual number of murders and other crimes in tandem with the process of Rutledge's emotional suffering and healing. This edition is set at Ely Cathedral in Cambridgeshire, a community I know well from visits with my husband's dear cousin, Evelyn. I will enjoy reading the descriptions of familiar haunts.

That's it for me. Off to finish packing! Again, happy summer to you all!





    

A Summer Vacation ...

Hello, everyone!

It's hard to believe that half the year has passed already and that, after a busy month of workshops, the summer stretches before me like a warm invitation.

On Tuesday morning, I'll board a plane to Toronto and then drive a couple of hours to a cottage on Kahshe Lake for a two week visit with dear friends. The cottage is my "safe place" - you know, the one you're asked to picture at stress reduction workshops? (All I have to do is imagine the scent of the sun-warmed pines surrounding the deck and I'm flooded with a full-on relaxation response.) I can hardly wait to settle into my deck chair with a mug of tea and a great book.

I probably won't read much of the book during the first week but just having it on my lap will help to hold space for gazing at the water and allowing the busyness of the spring to fall away. I'll bask in the warmth of the sun as I watch the eaglets in the tall tree across the bay and, as I watch, I'll feel the muscles of my neck and shoulders ease into a softness they haven't felt since this time last summer.

I am enormously grateful to have friends who are willing to share this little piece of paradise with me. But what about those of you who are unable to go on vacation this summer - those caring for ill or frail loved ones, beginning new jobs that won't accrue vacation time until next year, and those so burnt out or compassion fatigued that the mere thought of arranging a vacation is overwhelming? How can you take a refreshing break this summer?

I learned one woman's answer to this question while browsing through Living Artfully a lovely book by art therapist, Sandra Magsamen. Perhaps her answer, or some reasonable facsimile, might work for you ...

... after I read Under the Tuscan Sun - a captivating book about an American woman's soulful, life-changing adventure moving into and refurbishing an aging villa in Tuscany, Italy - I wanted so badly to pick up and travel to the Italian countryside to experience all that I had read, but that wasn't possible. So I reactivated my make-believe skills and, for an entire summer, acted "as if" I were a fresh transplant in my home away from home - Italia! My physical body was living responsibly in Maryland, but my mind and heart were otherwise happily Italian.

Over the course of several months, I learned to make all sorts of pastas and bruschettas, and immersed myself in the historical "stories" behind the recipes when I could find them. I discovered (and drank a few glasses of) Italian wines - the point was having fun, no? - while the aroma of roasting garlic and simmering tomato-basil sauce wafted beyond my home and into the surrounding neighbourhood. 

I visited local vineyards to continue my Italian-style reverie. Friends and family asked me about my sudden interest in opera and Italian films, and enjoyed the adventure I provided in the many Italian meals I cooked and wines I served. My journey became their journey, too, and all of our lives were enriched. We weren't anywhere near Europe, but it was great fun just the same! 

So, why not take your imagination in hand and, even if you can't travel physically to the place of your dreams, enjoy an "as if" summer vacation in your mind and in your own neighbourhood. Eat the meals of your favourite country or region, read its literature, listen to its music and watch its films. Immerse yourself in the culture and enjoy the journey. Happy Summer!

A New Enneagram Website ...

Hi everyone!

If you've been to any of my workshops, you'll have heard me speak about the Enneagram, an empowering system of 9 personality types that we can use to help understand ourselves (including our patterns of reactivity when we're becoming compassion fatigued or burned out), to understand others and to create a pathway for our personal growth and development.

There are several different "schools" of Enneagram study. The one in which I'm trained, and that I like best as a starting point, is The Enneagram in the Narrative Tradition. As you might guess from the name, the Narrative Tradition focuses on learning about the strengths, difficulties and life patterns of each type through listening to individuals of that type as they describe themselves. It is a deeply authentic way of studying personality type, one that spawns both self-compassion and compassion for others, particularly others quite different from us.

This week, I received an email from Enneagram Worldwide, my Enneagram trainers, with the exciting news that they have published a completely new website including Dr David Daniels' validated and reliable Enneagram Test and descriptions and videos of each type. You can find it at www.enneagramworldwide.com.

I hope you enjoy the process of discovering your type. Contrary to what some might fear, your type will not "put you in a box" but, instead, will allow you to escape the box of your unexamined personality. If you would like to attend an Enneagram beginners workshop that will help confirm your personality type and allow you to explore your type's response to change, I will be offering a Beginners Enneagram Workshop on November 28th, 2014. So, mark your calendars and if you are not already on the mailing list, and would like to be included on the list for registration forms later in the summer, just email me at caregiverwellness@shaw.ca.

(Note:  If you work for a BC health authority, it's better to give me your personal email address as many of the authorities are blocking access to emails regarding continuing education workshops.)

Incivility and Compassion Fatigue ...

Life is not so short but that there is always time

for courtesy.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hi everyone!

This morning I read an excellent article on incivility, published by the Ontario Medical Association Physician Health Program this spring. As I read it, I was reminded that uncivil behaviour can be an important early warning sign of compassion fatigue. When our nerve endings are frayed through secondary trauma exposure and burnout, we can find it difficult to rub up against others without creating sparks.

Reflecting on this article, I was reminded of many situations where I'd witnessed helping professionals treating colleagues, students, co-workers or patients/clients and families in ways that Miss Manners would find appalling. (And I was surprised at how clearly some of those uncivil memories were etched in my mind.)

I remembered a family physician who threw a stack of charts on the floor of the nurses station because he couldn't find a needed lab result and an ophthamologist who berated a nurse in full view of patients, visitors and staff because she couldn't find a functioning ophthalmoscope. I also remembered students  shamed during departmental grand rounds for daring to offer a different viewpoint from the traditional and a social worker who made caustic, belittling remarks to a female patient who had chosen to return home with an abusive husband. And then there was the cardiologist who arrived on the ward to see his patients during the nurses' shift-change report. Instead of asking for help, he sat within 3 feet of the nurses' meeting, with his feet propped on the table, singing loudly until someone left the report to accompany him on his rounds.

Unfortunately, I was also forced to remember my own reactive rudeness with an emergency nurse who called thirty minutes before the end of an exhausting 12 hour day shift to say that she was transferring a patient with a possible heart attack to our coronary care unit before the end of the shift. (Meaning that I would have to stay overtime to admit and settle the patient while the night nurses received shift-change report from my partner.) I was not a happy camper but I needn't have been quite so terse and irritated in expressing that unhappiness.

Civility is defined by the US Institute for Civility in Government in this way:

Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one's preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same.

 Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is political in the sense that it is a necessary prerequisite for civic action. But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone's voice is heard and nobody's is ignored.

Civility is claiming and caring for one's identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else's in the process.

Incivility, on the other hand, is a stressor causing both the recipients and witnesses to experience distress, anxiety, and depression and contributing to the development of psychosomatic illness, burnout and compassion fatigue in the workplace. People on the receiving end of incivility frequently feel either an immediate or a slow-burning desire to retaliate, leading to widespread conflict in and attrition from organizations.

We human beings need civil behaviour in order to build healthy communities and safe workplaces. It is a necessary prerequisite for psychological safety both in relationships and in working environments. A culture of unhappiness and under-performance will grow very quickly when incivility is allowed to take root.

So, how do we go about creating a civil workplace or community? Basically, it's a matter of good self-care and following the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

1.  Pay attention to your feelings and patterns of behaviour. If you're normally kind and compassionate in your dealings with others and you find yourself increasingly irritated by situations or acting out your feelings rather than talking them out, it may be time to take a break or to schedule an appointment with your trauma or grief counsellor.

2.  Practice exquisite self care and self compassion. As they say in the 12 step programs, don't get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT). When your personal needs are unmet, you are more likely to overreact to situations or act out your feelings. 

3.  Use the civil language you were taught in childhood - please, thank you, you're welcome, would you mind, excuse me, I'm sorry. Avoid obscenities, degrading or harsh language and sarcasm.

4.  Be a good steward of the environment. Clean up after yourself. Make the next pot of coffee when you take the last cup. Arrange for repairs if you break something. Replace supplies you use. Offer to pick up supplies for others when you go to a supply room or to another department. Return things you borrow. 

5.  Show respect for others. Learn people's names. Recognize others' contributions and don't take credit if the credit doesn't belong to you. Respect deadlines. Show up for meetings or to help other colleagues at the agreed-upon time. Acknowledge requests and give a time frame for your response. Recognize difficult periods in your co-workers' lives. If you've finished your work, offer to help others. 

6.  Avoid invading people's personal space.  Keep music, phone conversations and strong odours to yourself. Knock and await permission to enter. Try not to interrupt others when they're talking or working. Don't come to work with a contagious illness. Share the air at meetings.

7.  Praise in public, admonish in private. 

8.  Avoid gossip and contentious topics of conversation. ie religion, politics and sex.

9.  Be sensitive to cultural differences. Ask questions and learn more if you lack awareness. 

10.  If, in spite of your best efforts, you become aware that you have been uncivil with someone, be sure to  apologize, authentically, to the person involved to rebuild the interpersonal bridge between you.      

"Turn to the Sun" for Mother's Day ...

Hi everyone!

There's nothing better than having a positive purpose when it comes to building compassion fatigue resilience and Vancouver's Suzy Coulter has one.

In 2005, Suzy, a community nurse in the Downtown Eastside, volunteered for four months in Kismu, a city in Kenya with one of the highest HIV prevalence rates in that country. Conditions in the hospital where she worked were sketchy at best and, on returning home, she decided to raise money to help change those circumstances through establishing the Turn to the Sun project. She decided to raise and sell sunflower seedlings after meeting a Kenyan woman living with AIDS whose income generating activity included growing sunflowers for seeds. Chickens were fed the seeds and the income from selling the chickens and eggs helped support her family.

Every year since, Suzy and her friends have held sales of sunflower plants on Mother's Day weekend and donate the money to the Stephen Lewis Foundation which distributes it to grassroots projects focusing on direct care and programs for HIV/AIDS affected families.

I heard Suzy interviewed on CBC this afternoon and loved her energy, the name of her project and the great work they're doing.  If you'd like to support her and her work, why not attend one of the sales this weekend and buy a plant (or 6) for your Mom? Or even decide to join Suzy's happy band of volunteers?

Sunflower plants and a limited supply of Turn to the Sun T-shirts will be sold at:

Saturday, May 10 (10-3)
East Vancouver - 2133 7th Avenue, Vancouver
(Live music at 11:30)

Saturday, May 10 (9-1)
Chilliwack - Gwynn Vaughan Park
(Corner of Hope River Road and Williams Rd North)

Saturday, May 17 (12-3)
Sunshine Coast - 1163 Cedar Grove Rd, Roberts Creek


If your weekend's full and you just can't get there, at least take a look at the great website at:
www.turntothesun.org

Happy Mother's Day!!