Friday, July 1, 2016

The Problem of Needing to Ask for Help ...


Life doesn't make any sense without
interdependence.
We need each other 
and the sooner we learn that, the better it is for us all.

Erik Erikson



Hello, Everyone - Happy Canada Day!

Today is not only the birthday of our beautiful country, but for me and thousands of others it's the first day of summer holidays. Sadly, this year I'm packing for the cottage with one wing in a sling after catching my feet in the edge of the bedspread as I changed the sheets. Now, having snapped the head off the radius bone in my forearm, the packing process is a little more complicated!

(Yes, I know. I could at least have broken it doing something exciting but I did paint quite a picture as I caught both feet in the spread, flew low across the room, too quickly to save myself, landed and skidded even further across the carpet and then rolled on my back with my legs in the air, stunned and winded.)

After several moments of trying to catch my breath and figure out what had happened, I got up and checked for damage and, realizing that most of my in-town support network were away, called a physician friend half way across the country and together we did an ortho exam on the phone and figured that I'd be black and blue in the morning but that nothing was seriously awry.

Roll on the next morning when I woke to discover that, despite icing, my left elbow was crooked, swollen and exquisitely painful and the closest I could get to touching my nose with my finger was a good foot away. And that led to the first of many uneasy decisions regarding whether and how to ask for help.

Why is asking for help such a big deal ...?? Well, if you're like me, you grew up in a family where independence, strength and self-sufficiency were the expectation and, thus, the norm. "Whining" was nipped in the bud, trying-it-yourself-before-asking-for-help was mandatory and feeling anything from uneasy vulnerability to outright shame accompanied even the most legitimate requests for assistance. Such experiences, encountered both at home and at school, would not have been unfamiliar to anyone growing up in the '50's and '60's in North America.

In her more recent book, Help Is Not a Four Letter Word, author and researcher, Peggy Collins, has published survey results to the question, What frightens us most about asking for help?. The top twelve fears are:

  • bothering other people
  • rejection / being told no
  • looking weak, inadequate, needy or just plain foolish
  • someone taking over / surrendering some of my power
  • owing other people and having to pay them back
  • things not being done the way I would like them to be done
  • relying on someone who doesn't come through
  • losing the reputation that I can do it all
  • not performing like I was raised
  • not asking in the right way
  • others seeing my mess
  • believing my needs are not important enough for others to meet

Perhaps a few of these sound familiar ...?

Ultimately, after this week's fall, I had to face the vulnerability of requesting help before getting almost anything done and I relearned something I learned years ago when people cried after being invited to help with my husband's care; people WANT to help. All they need is the invitation and our willingness to be in the receptive role.

It's a great lesson in humility to recognize and admit that we helpers also need help sometimes - a lesson that most of us need to learn again and again. Interdependence is the goal of healthy relationships, families, organizations, communities and nations. None of us can go it alone. We need each other and, as life coach Heather Plett says, (quoting Christina Baldwin in The Seven Whispers), -

"Ask for what you need and offer what you can." That's what creates the balance, the yin and yang of relationship. Even those who teach this need to be reminded to put it into practice.

So, great bouquets of gratitude to Ted who supported me in the first hour after the fall, my sister Sheila who drove me from pillar to post all week long as I saw medical professionals and prepared to fly to Ontario, my friend Cathy who - as always - empathized and made me laugh, Sandra who provided distraction and Healing Touch, Ginger who took me to the Market for coffee and mystery books, Linda who drove me to church and offered more, and Janet (my Enneagram "six-sister") who worried and planned for me so I could relax! Interdependence is what makes a healthy world go round and I'm so very grateful for that truth this week.

Happy Summer, Everyone!



Tuesday, June 14, 2016

At the End of the Day: The Examen ...


Reflection:
Looking back so the view
looking forward is even clearer.

Anonymous




Hello, Everyone,

I've said here recently that I am becoming more and more interested in the intersection between trauma resilience and spirituality. I think there are a vast number of spiritual practices we can glean from various faith traditions to help us calm our bodies, access presence and peace, guide our lives and fuel our work with others. One such practice is an updated version of the Jesuit exercise of daily Examen.

The Examen of Consciousness is usually practiced at the end of the day. It is a review that contains a short reflection on the day, recalling events, noting feelings and being mindful of the presence of The Holy (however you understand that to be) in your everyday life. The process is basically encapsulated in the answers to two questions:
 1.  For what moment today am I most grateful?
 2.  For what moment today am I least grateful?

Variations on this theme, offered by Dennis Linn, Sheila Linn and Matthew Linn in Sleeping With Bread, are:
 1. When did I give and receive the most love today?
     When did I give and receive the least love today?
2.  When did I feel most alive today?
               When did I most feel life draining out of me?
3.  When today did I have the greatest sense of belonging to myself, The Holy and the   universe?
     When did I feel the least sense of belonging?
4.  When was I happiest today?
      When was I saddest?
5.  What was today's high point?
     What was today's low point?
6.  What did I feel good about today?
     What was my greatest struggle today?

Practicing the Examen takes about ten minutes to half an hour each evening, depending on whether you share the answers to your questions with yourself, your partner, your family or a group of friends. The Linn's say that they have met with a group of close friends every Sunday afternoon for several years to do an Examen of the week together before sharing a meal. In this case, the Examen not only provides a way to be more reflective and mindful, it offers the opportunity to build a deeper and more intimate sense of community with close friends.

The Examen can also act as a guide to important life decisions. Paying close attention over time to what makes you feel alive and what drains your life force can help you to choose occupational paths, decide whether to deepen relationships, know how to spend your re-creational time and determine your direction for a new year.

So, whatever your faith tradition or the lack of it, I invite you to try the Examen for a week and see if it might be a spiritual tool you'd like to add to your resilience toolkit on an ongoing basis.


ps And for those of you who are interested in the practice of meditation, Sounds True is offering a 10 day online Meditation Summit, starting today, with free talks by some of the top Buddhist and Christian meditation leaders, some of whom you've seen mentioned here from time to time, including Reggie Ray, Tara Brach, Sharon Salzberg, Rick Hanson, James Findlay, Thich Nhat Hanh, Saki Santorelli, Jack Kornfield and Pema Chodron. You can listen to each talk for free for 24 hours after it takes place.  
 
      

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Birdie - An Indigenous Book Club Month Selection ...






She ... gets fed love.
She is better when fat with 
the love of women.
Tracey Lindberg
 



Hi Everyone!

Earlier this year, Carolyn Bennett, Minister of Indigenous and Northern Affairs, proposed an Indigenous Book Club Month for June and I wanted to give you a heads up that June is fast approaching (how is that possible??) and to make some suggestions for your book club or individual indigenous reading.

My own choice for this month is to reread Tracey Lindberg's wonderful book, Birdie, a Canada Reads shortlist winner and a book that has brought greater heart knowledge to my understanding of the long reaching effects of colonization and the residential school system. It seems from the reviews that people either love or are totally confused by this book. I am one of those who love it.

Seen through the lens of intergenerational trauma, posttraumatic stress and the power of women to both betray and hold caring space for each other's growing wholeness, Birdie's story is one of relationship - relationship with self, relationship with family and relationship with the wider world.

This, in many ways, is a book about care-giving, or the lack of it. The story line is that of Birdie, an obese, impoverished, abused young Cree woman, who journeys from northern Alberta to Gibsons, on the BC Sunshine Coast, consciously searching for Jesse, a character in her favourite TV show, The Beachcombers, while at the same time unconsciously on an inner journey searching for her own healing and wholeness.  As she sinks into seeming dissociation from the present, she is cared for by her Auntie Val who is well, the memory of her mother Maggie who is not, and her cousin Skinny Freda and landlady and bakery boss Lola who are somewhere in between. Each has been wounded and has coped in her own way and each expresses her caring according to the degree of her wholeness.

The fluid chronology of the Birdie narrative, slipping seamlessly between present and past, while disturbing and confusing to some, made perfect sense to me as a trauma therapist. While described as characteristic of a vision quest, this meandering in and out of "reality" and "the present moment" is also the experience of one whose sense of time and continuity has been jangled by trauma's intrusive memories and disorienting flashbacks.

Birdie is a story of hope, healing and transformation and I highly recommend it, especially to those who can restrain their analytical minds and just go with an empathic response to another's experience.

Other books by indigenous writers, recommended by CBC, that you might like to consider are:

1.  A Coyote Columbus Story by Thomas King
2.  My Mother is Weird by Rachna Gilmore
3.  Halfbreed, The Book of Jessica, and Stories of the Road Allowance People by Maria Campbell
 4.  The Outside Circle (collection)

Other authors to consider  include Joseph Boyden, Richard van Camp, Leann Simpson, Marilyn Dumont, Jeanette Armstrong, Beatrice Culleton Mosionier, Louise Halfe, Sheila Watt-Cloutier, Eden Robinson and Richard Wagamese.

Have a great read!



Monday, May 16, 2016

Knitting Up a Wounded Heart ...


           Properly practiced, knitting soothes the 
            troubled spirit,
            and it doesn't hurt the untroubled
           spirit either!

         Elizabeth Zimmermann


Hi Everyone!

Knitting may seem a strange topic for this time of year but I'm planning to take yarn and needles to the cottage to teach a friend how to knit this summer so it's on my mind this week.

My Mom taught me to spool knit when I was six and and then to do "real knitting" when I was eight. Some fifty years later, my two younger sisters and I sat in a row in the hallway outside a busy intensive care unit knitting steadily as our Mom lay dying within. We hadn't consulted each other about bringing our knitting to our hallway vigil but, on reflection, there couldn't have been a better way of dealing with our stress or holding space for our mother's end-of-life.

As much by example as anything, Mom taught us to use knitting as a means of mending wounded hearts and as a stress reliever (- though she would never have used those actual words because  she belonged to a generation that didn't believe much in taking time to heal wounds or deal with stress. Life was hard and you just got on with it). If you had been mindful, though, you would have noticed that her knitting came out whenever things were tough at work, when she was worried about one of us kids, when financial resources were scarce or when my dad was having a mental health crisis or drinking too much. 

These days, we know that the knitting Mom used intuitively to deal with stress is showing up positively in the research literature. Knitting has a positive impact on health and wellness and may be part of the solution in reducing compassion fatigue. Studies suggest that knitting decreases stress, creates new neural pathways and can have an antidepressant effect. It can also help alleviate ruminating, delay memory loss and may help slow the onset of Alzheimer Disease. Learning to knit and seeing a finished product can build self esteem. And knitting also offers opportunities for creativity and calms and soothes through repetitive motion and the tactile softness and colour of the yarns.

A small February 2016 study of The Impact of a Knitting Intervention on Compassion Fatigue in Oncology Nurses in the Clinical Journal of Oncology Nursing noted that a knitting intervention, (learning to knit through the non-profit, Project Knitwell, and knitting squares with colleagues during break times), can provide the above positive effects as well as offering opportunities to debrief informally. Using the Pro-QOL before and after a knitting intervention showed a significantly positive change in burnout scores and trends toward significance with the secondary traumatic stress and compassion satisfaction scores. These improved scores applied particularly to younger nurses. It would be interesting to see the results with a larger cohort.

Project Knitwell has published a lovely little booklet called, The Comfort of Knitting: A How to Knit Guide for Caregivers and Families that shares research on knitting and health, teaches you knitting basics and offers 7 easy project patterns. They also offer a list of books on knitting and wellness including:

1.  Knit for Health and Wellness: How to Knit a Flexible Mind and More by Betsan Corkhill (Flatbear Publishing, 2014)
 2.  Love in Every Stitch: Stories of Knitting and Healing  by Lee Gant  (Viva Editions, 2015)
 3.  Knit Red: Stitching for Women's Heart Health by Laura Zander  (Sixth & Spring Books, 2012)
 4.  Knitting Yarns: Writers On Knitting  by Ann Hood  (Norton, 2014)
 5.  Knitting Heaven and Earth: Healing the Heart with Craft by Susan Gordon Lydon  (Potter Craft, 2008)
 6.  The Knitting Way: A Guide to Spiritual Self Discovery by Linda T Skolnik and Janice MacDaniels  (Skylight Paths, 2005)
7.  Mindful Knitting: Inviting Contemplative Practice to the Craft by Tara Jan Manning  (Tuttle, 2004)
 8.  Zen and the Art of Knitting: Exploring the Links Between, Knitting, Spirituality and Creativity by Bernadette Murphy  (Adams Media, 2002)
9.  Crochet Saved My Life: The Mental and Physical Health Benefits of Crochet by Kathryn Vercillo  (Self-published, 2012)
10. The Creativity Cure: How to Build Happiness with Your Own Two Hands by Carrie and Alton Barron   (Scribner, 2012)

Happy stitching, everyone!!
 



Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A Poem to Ponder ...




Poetry is language 
at its most distilled
and most powerful.

Rita Dove





Hi Everyone!

As regular readers will know, I'm a great lover of poems and blessings. This week, I was gifted with a new-to-me poem by a fellow traveller on an online retreat. It's quickly become a blessing to me and to others in my life. It comes from a book by Dawna Markova called, I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion. Today, I re-gift it to you to ponder as spring and new beginnings unfold:


I Will Not Die an Unlived Life


I will not die an unlived life.
 
I will not live in fear

of falling or catching fire.

I choose to inhabit my days, 

to allow my living to open me,

to make me less afraid,

more accessible;

to loosen my heart

until it becomes a wing,

a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance,

to live so that which came to me as seed

goes to the next as blossom,

and that which came to me as blossom,

goes on as fruit.


Read through the poem a few times, if you have the time. What message does it whisper to you? What phrase or phrases shimmer? Is there a next step or new beginning for your life hidden within these words?  

If you would like to know the story of how this short poem has made a difference in the world, find a copy of Dawna's small book, make a comfortable drink and settle in for a surprising tale. Warmly reviewed by the likes of medical educator and reformer, Dr Rachel Remen, and author and master educator, Parker J Palmer, this book, as Rachel says, "... can remind you of who you are and heal your life." 




Saturday, March 26, 2016

Beginning Again ...


In the middle of the journey of... life
I found myself astray in a dark wood
where the straight road had been lost sight of.

Dante Alighieri
The Divine Comedy

Hello, Everyone!

The experience of Compassion Fatigue (CF) is one that leads many of us to recognize that we have gone "astray in a dark wood where the straight road had been lost sight of".  It is an experience of lostness, anxiety, confusion and bewilderment. How did I get here? When did the caring person inside me begin to disappear? And, much more importantly, how do I find my way back to that caring self and begin again? 

Beginning again requires that we first take sufficient time to heal CF and then learn new and healthier ways of being and doing. Healing is different from curing. It is about gradually becoming more whole in ourselves rather than necessarily eliminating the signs of CF completely and forever. (Most helping professionals and family caregivers will ebb and flow through the early stages of CF as long as we continue working with people who are traumatized or suffering. The trick is building resilience before hand and then recognizing CF early in its progression so we can do something about it.) 

Beginning again is about re-membering our caring selves in a new way that promotes, not giving from the depths of our wells, but giving only from the overflow. It means transforming our accumulated primary and secondary traumatic stress and learning to reduce our trauma exposure. It means discovering our personal CF early warning signs so we can forestall further forays into "the dark wood". It means intentionally building skills and developing our physical, emotional, spiritual, social and professional lives so we have access to "something more" to ground and sustain us.

We need awareness, knowledge, courage and determination to make these kinds of life changes, one baby step at a time. I hope Celtic philosopher, John O'Donohue's, Blessing for A New Beginning, from To Bless the Space Between Us, will encourage you to take the first steps:
  

Blessing for a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness grow inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the grey promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plentitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.


As I leave for a welcome long weekend visit to Vancouver Island, I wish each of you a very Happy Easter  (or whatever Spring observance you enjoy) and all the hopeful brightness of new beginnings!

And, if you are feeling ready to "begin again", do please join us for the Caring On Empty: Creative Tools for Compassion Fatigue Resilience for Helping Professionals workshop May 6th on Granville Island in Vancouver, BC.

Just email Jan at caregiverwellness@shaw.ca for a brochure. (And bring a colleague or friend!) The registration deadline is extended to April 22.






Sunday, March 20, 2016

Embracing the Equinox ...


Spring and all its flowers
now joyously break their vow of silence.

Hafiz
 



Hi Everyone!

Today, the Equinox, (a twice yearly time of equal day and night), has arrived, heralding the onset of Spring. And Spring, the beginning of earth's creative cycle, invites us to open to the subtle awakening of the earth and to move with it into our own full blossoming. Spring is a time of renewal and of welcoming new life, a time of beginning again.

Here in Vancouver, we've had a beautiful Spring weekend with trees exploding into bloom, daffodils dancing in the wind and sunlight bouncing from the lakes and ocean. For many, it's been a time of joy and spontaneous activity. For others, these new beginnings have caused a fresh round of melancholy and yearning as the new has, inevitably, triggered echoes of the old.

The Equinox is a time of balance. We have the opportunity to notice and to listen deeply to both sides of Spring, to make space for saying another goodbye to the old and to open our eyes and hearts to whatever is emerging anew. It is also a time to just "be" with the dynamic energy of veriditas, "the greening of Spring", so we can discover our deepest longings, recognize unnoticed gifts and consider the next steps in our journeys of life.

It takes some conscious intention to participate fully in the possibilities of Spring. Poet, Lynn Unger, points out in her wonderful poem, Camas Lilies, that if we are not careful, our busyness can cause us to miss out on precious opportunities for new life:

And you -- what of your rushed and
useful life? Imagine setting it all down --
papers, plans, appointments, everything,
leaving only a note: "Gone to the fields
to be lovely. Be back when I'm through
with blooming.

Our world is full of abundance and creative spark. It is always possible for the old, dry and seemingly deadened within us to spring into life. Why not take a few moments today to notice what is awakening this Spring? What are you seeing around you? What is happening within?


If you would like help to make space for your process of awakening and growing, you are welcome to join us for the Spring 2016 Caring On Empty Workshop for Helping Professionals on May 6th at the Granville Island Hotel in Vancouver. Just email me at caregiverwellness@shaw.ca for a brochure. The registration deadline is extended to April 22nd.