Re-dedication ...

It's never too late to be who you 
might have been.

George Eliott

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Today, the beginning of a new year and a new decade, is an opportunity to re-dedicate ourselves to the things that matter most to us.  In this threshold space, we can take a moment to remember - or reprioritize - the core values by which we want to live our lives.  And, having done that, we can set an intention to act in accordance with these values throughout the New Year.

Caregiving can greatly limit your ability to pursue the external goals you've set for your life, to live the life you were "meant to live". In fact, this can be one of the major losses underlying a family caregiver's Chronic Sorrow. However,  the inability to pursue external goals needn't keep you from re-dedicating yourself to inner goals. Do you ever wish you could be kinder, more compassionate with yourself and others, more honest, calmer, more loyal, more open-minded, more balanced, more trusting, more trust-worthy, more patient, more empathic, more courageous, more consistent, more loving ..? The list of possibilities goes on and on, depending upon the things you hold most dear.

Why not take a moment, now, to recall all the values by which you would like to live. Then look at your list and choose the top one or two you would most like to guide your life in the coming year.

Once you have chosen these core values, allow yourself time to consider how they would look, acted out in your day-to-day life. What, exactly, do you want to re-dedicate yourself to doing or being? What baby steps might you want to take toward strengthening the expression of these values in your life?  The answers to these questions will become your intentions for the New Year.

We know that rituals can help to solidify, strengthen and sustain our intentions, so you might like to go on to create a simple ritual to formalize your re-dedication to living by your values. One such ritual might be to:

1.  Find a quiet space

2.  Light a candle

3.  Notice the pattern of your breathing for a few minutes and then imagine your chosen values filling and strengthening you on the in-breath and pouring out into the world on the out-breath

4. After you've been sitting with your breath and values for sufficient time, make a positive verbal and written re-dedication of your intentions for this new year. Keep the paper close at hand in the days ahead as a reminder to act congruently with your values.

And as a way of following through with your New Year's re-dedication, you might also begin to  briefly ask yourself the following questions at the end of the day:

1.  Where were my actions in line with my values today?  Where were they not?

2.  Where they were not, how might I adjust things tomorrow?

3.  What more can I do, in baby steps,  to bring (your chosen values) more fully into the world?

(Now, being a human being, don't expect yourself to be able to  act according to your values 100% of the time. When you  mess up, just gently forgive yourself, apologize where necessary and then begin again.)

Just thinking through a conscious process of re-dedication like this will help you to live a more authentic life in 2020 and to notice more quickly when compassion fatigue, burnout, accumulated grief or moral distress are drawing you away from what matters most to you.

A very Happy 2020 to each of you!

Live Your Values ...

It's not hard to make decisions when you know

what your values are.

Roy Disney

I met my dear friend, Lin, at university a number of years ago. One of the things that first attracted me to her was her integrity. Her inside and her outside matched. She had been consciously thoughtful about what she valued in life and her actions revealed those values clearly to anyone who met her. 

Lin believed in trying to become as fully human and fully alive as possible and that belief led to deeply held values including stillness, faith, respect for others and the environment, connection, hospitality, wellness, and learning. In turn, her values led to actions such as practicing a life of inclusive contemplative faith, communicating in intentionally respectful ways with others, organic gardening, making her own environmentally-protective cleaning supplies, nurturing longterm close relationships, generously sharing her home and belongings, taking daily strenuous exercise in the outdoors, and deeply investing in motherhood and in her teaching vocation. (Now, she wouldn't want you to think she's Little Miss Perfect. Her language does occasionally reflect the passion of her emotions and there are certainly days when divorcing her family and running away seems a reasonable choice - just like the rest of us.)

I do remember being quietly amazed the first time I saw her using her values, intentionally, to guide an important decision. (At that time in my life, I'd done little of my own work and I was still living in reactive vs responsive mode. It hadn't occurred to me that I could be that consciously value-driven in making decisions.) I gradually came to realize that much of my friend's resilience (she'd not had an easy life) was rooted in knowing what mattered most to her - her values - and how she used those values to give continuity and guidance to her life. 

When we know our personal values, they can become strong anchors in any storm whether illness, injury, job loss, bereavement, natural disaster or other trauma. While relatively stable over time, our values are not necessarily static - different ones are more important at different stages in our lives. So, it can be useful to reflect, from time to time, on what really matters to us right now.

One way you can do this is to put some quiet time aside and, in your journal, (or in your mind if it's sharper than mine), do the following exercise, adapted from Danea Horn's, Chronic Resilience:

1.  Values are reflected in our actions. Sometimes there can be a disconnect or dissonance between what we think are our values and what our actions show. Think back over the past week. How did you spend your time? What values do you think your actions represented? Make a list of the activities and the values they stand for. (eg slept in, showered, got dressed - values = comfort, cleanliness; walked to work - values = health, connection with nature, thrift;  family dinner - values = family time, good nutrition, relaxation)

Remember that there are no right answers - only those that reflect your personal values. (eg family dinner might be about valuing family connection or it might reflect the excitement of trying a new recipe)

What do you notice from your list? Do your activities reflect the values you hold dear? Are you shocked by what your activities are revealing? Is there something you want to adjust?

2. Answer 3 questions to help you determine your values:

a.  What's important to you? Activities. People. Projects that bring you joy and satisfaction. What makes you feel fully alive? What makes time pass quickly? What would you choose to do if you had free time? What do you feel fully committed to? What can you not live without?

b.  What do you want to be remembered for? What will your legacy be? What do you want your work to stand for? What do you want others to receive from your work? How do you want others to feel after they interact with you?

c.  What lessons are important for you to learn during your lifetime?  Where do you want to grow? What do you need to learn about relating to yourself or others? What do you need to learn about love? About trust? What areas of life feel essential to explore?

The answers to these questions - the themes, ideas and hopes - will point you toward what you value. Try to distill each value into a word or two. (eg If you feel fully alive when watercolour painting, your value might be "creativity").

3.  List your top 10 values in order of priority. Then use them to guide your decisions, the projects you pursue, how you fill your free time and what to do in a crisis. When you know your values, you can look at your calendar repeatedly and ask, "Do these activities, this schedule, support my values?"