Happy Women's Christmas! ...

Hello, everyone.  Happy New Year and Happy Women's Christmas for tomorrow!

Women's Christmas is a tradition celebrated originally in Ireland where it is known as Nollaig na mBan. It began as a day when the women, responsible for domestic duties throughout the year, took the Feast of Epiphany (marking the visit of the Wise Men and the last day of Christmas ) as a time to take a break and, together, celebrate the end of the busy holiday season.

On the morning of January 6th, while the men cared for hearth and home, excited shawled women hurried to the local public house (a men's domain the rest of the year) to pool their few shillings, saved for the day, and drink stout and eat corned beef sandwiches provided by the publican. They would chat briefly about the troubles of the old year then make a pact to leave them outside the door. They would enjoy each other's company, songs and support well into the evening and then return home, restored, if slightly the worse for wear.

Though not well known, the tradition continues in various parts of the world, celebrated in different ways in different places. In Ireland, many still gather with female family and friends, with a glass of wine and a good lunch out replacing the stout and corned beef sandwiches. In Canada, some groups of women get together for tea or coffee and goodies to chat and enjoy each other's company. In the US, others take the day as a time to pause and reflect upon the experiences and direction of their lives, perhaps to gather for a retreat that offers time and quiet to rest and relax. No matter how it is celebrated, Women's Christmas is a lovely way to savour the last gifts of the holiday season and to pause to catch your breath before plunging into the New Year.

Many of you have heard me say that  Jan Richardson is one of my favourite writers of blessings. In her latest blog post she offers a free online Women's Christmas Retreat. It is couched in the language of the Christian wisdom tradition but seems accessible to all. Whether or not you decide to make the retreat yourself, please accept Jan's Blessing for Women's Christmas as a gift to help you lay the holiday season to bed and begin your own very New Year:


The Map You Make Yourself
A Blessing for Women's Christmas

You have looked
at so many doors
with longing,
wondering if your life
lay on the other side.

For today, 
choose the door
that opens
to the inside.

Travel the most ancient way
of all:
the path that leads you
to the center
of your life.

No map
but the one
you make yourself.

No provision
but what you already carry
and the grace that comes
to those who walk
the pilgrim's way.

Speak this blessing
as you set out
and watch how your rhythm slows,
the cadence of the road
drawing you into the pace
that is your own.

Eat when hungry.
Rest when tired.
Listen to your dreaming.
Welcome detours
as doors deeper in.

Pray for protection.
Ask for the guidance you need.
Offer gladness
for the gifts that come 
and then
let them go.

Do not expect
to return
by the same road.
Home is always 
by another way
and you will know it
not by the light 
that waits for you

but by the star
that blazes inside you
telling you where you are
is holy
and you are welcome
here.

Jan Richardson

Peace ...

Dear Readers,

In a world torn yet again by the deaths of children, the atrocities of war, the ravages of illness and poverty, and the pain and grief of those who attempt to respond to suffering with reason and compassionate action, I offer you this holiday gift of an ancient Celtic prayer for peace.

May it be for all of us who care, (in the deepest sense of that word), a source of light, hope, grounding and strength to carry us through this holiday season and beyond.

Peace in All

In your walking - Peace

In your talking - Peace

In your life - Peace

 In your strife - Peace

In your seeing - Peace

In your being - Peace

In your days - Peace

In your ways - Peace

In your night - Peace

In your plight - Peace

In your reason - Peace

In every season - Peace

Deep peace to each of you in this Season of Peace.

With love,  Jan

Winter Solstice: The Darkness and the Light ...

Friday will mark the Winter Solstice, the time of year when we experience the shortest day and the longest night as the sun reaches its most northerly point above the equator.

Across our history, we have marked this day as one of particular significance. Faith traditions of all sorts have celebrated this point in the year's cycle, facing expectantly into the return of the light. We celebrate the fact that from the solstice onward, each day will bring a little more life-sustaining brightness.

But for some care-givers, there is little light on the horizon, little brightness to anticipate. The notion of the returning light seems a distant possibility at best, highlighting the particular darkness of their worlds. They feel isolated and cut off from the joy of the solstice because the light seems so far outside their everyday experience.

But even those who feel shrouded in the darkness of ongoing care-giving or compassion fatigue can celebrate the solstice authentically. By fully experiencing the darkness, we can, paradoxically, open to the possibility of experiencing the light.

When we examine our own particular darkness, see its shades and colours, explore its pathways, recognize how we experience times when seeing is difficult, and acknowledge times that ask us to open to whatever-lies-beyond-what-we-know, we can apprehend the "gifts" of the darkness.

When we believe that there are treasures in the darkness, we can rest in it more easily, allowing ourselves to stay present, moment-by-moment, even in the hard times. As author, Jan Richardson, puts it:

If we are not willing to journey through the darkness, we cannot understand how the light begins. Where it comes from. How it makes its way into the world as grace and gift, as illumination and revelation, calling us to bring forth the treasures we have found along the shadowy way.

It is through our experience of darkness that we can recognize and develop the personal gifts - compassion, patience, courage, love, tenacity, endurance, strength, psychological and spiritual growth - that will eventually accompany us into the light, and contribute to our ability to become weller-than-well.

So, if darkness is your truth this Winter Solstice, allow yourself to acknowledge it, be with it, and let it guide you through to the first glimmerings of light and beyond.

  

Memories of AIDS ...

It was a Sunday afternoon when a familiar voice whispered down the phone line saying, "Hi Jan. It's been a long time."

With these few words came back a wealth of memories, for the quiet voice at the other end of the phone belonged to my high school English and Journalism teacher, Barry. We hadn't spoken in a number of years, out of frank neglect on my part and on his, out of false assumptions based on his unwarranted shame and on my marriage to an Anglican priest and spiritual director. (Despite the closeness of former days, he'd feared the censure and exclusion he'd found amongst his own church members.)

Barry was calling to tell me that, after years of depression and addiction, he had finally come out; dissolved his marriage; entered recovery; met his partner, Jim; and been diagnosed with AIDS. He hadn't long to live.

My initial response was one of anger, then profound grief. Why hadn't I kept in touch? Why hadn't he called me when he'd first been diagnosed? Why had he waited until now when there was so little time left? I felt cheated of time and heartsick.

Over the next six months, we met several times - Barry and Jim, and my husband and me. Barry and Derrick met alone, as well, hashing out their similarly liberal theologies in various coffee shops around the city until Barry could face his death, fairly sanguine and with at least modicum of peace. After he died in a hospital palliative care unit, boney body racked with coughs, Derrick took his funeral in a West End church and we, his loving community, grieved our loss together.

Today, the day after World AIDS Day, many years later, I remember Barry fondly as an extraordinary educator, mentor, and friend who helped me and many other students to transcend painful life experiences and thrive. He taught me to love poetry, to use white space to advantage in a layout, and to never use two words when the one "right" word would do. He also taught me, a painfully shy and pathologically self-sufficient teenager, that it was alright to ask for help.

Barry loved to teach and his students loved him. That same love allowed us to support him, and he us, through the end of his life.  Every year, I wear a red ribbon in his honour and memory and I try to keep the ripple of his love going out into the world in some way. This year, a friend told me about an organization that knits baby dresses for African babes with AIDS who would otherwise be sent home from hospital wrapped in newspaper for warmth. So, I've been knitting dresses for the past several weeks, stitching love and healing intention into each garment.

I hope and pray that the day will come when no one needs to see a beloved teacher and friend fade away or to behold a new baby wrapped in the newspaper and stigma of AIDS. Please do have an HIV test if:

• You have had 2 or more sexual partners in the past 12 months.
• You have received a blood transfusion prior to 1985.
• You are not sure about your sexual partner's risk factors.
• You are a male who has had sex with another male.
• You are using street drugs by injection, especially when sharing needles or other equipment.
• You have a sexually transmitted disease (STD).
• You are a healthcare worker with direct exposure to blood on the job.  

And why not consider supporting your local HIV/AIDS research, treatment and support organizations, financially or through your volunteer hours, so the ripple of love continues.

15 Simple Suggestions for A December Grief ...

The holidays?

Most of us grievers

would just as soon be sick through 

the whole shebang!

Meg Woodson

Whether you are a family caregiver coping with episodes of holiday-triggered chronic sorrow or a helping professional deep-sixing accumulated grief after a series of workplace deaths or a bereaved former caregiver facing your first aching holiday season without your partner, friend, parent or child, a December grief can be a cold and unwelcome experience. How does one grieve in a world alight with joy and anticipation?

There are only individual answers to this question but it may help to hear some of the suggestions penned and spoken by those who have walked the path of holiday grief before you:

1. Don't let anyone take your grief away. It is yours, your pathway to healing, and you need it to knit together the pieces of your broken life.

2.  It's your holiday and you can cry if you want to. Crying alone or with loved ones can be deeply healing and will ease the stress of holding back the tears. If you want to cry and find that you can't, try using a movie, poem, story or piece of music that has triggered your tears in the past.  

3.  Count on having an imperfect holiday. It removes the pressure and you won't be disappointed through having unrealistic expectations.

4.  Listen to your body as you make your plans. If a proposed plan makes you clench and causes your heart to race, don't follow it.

5.  Choose the aspects of the holidays that you find most comforting - the card writing, the baking, the religious rituals, the lights and decorations, the music, the entertaining, spending time with children, phoning old friends, attending plays or concerts, taking a vacation. Focus on those parts and leave the rest for next year. If nothing appeals and you just want to go to bed and cover your head with a comforter, that's fine too.

6.  Beware the unconscious numbing of painful feelings through compulsively eating holiday sweets, drinking alcohol, taking prescription drugs, over-exercising, over-spending, surfing the internet, and other "socially acceptable" practices. They may help the pain in the short term but they will complicate your grief over the long haul.

7.  The holidays are full of activities and invitations. Your first response may be, "I can't do this." Consider trying. Stay only as long as you're comfortable. Arrive late, leave early. Tell your hosts that you won't know how you will feel until the time comes and excuse yourself in advance for leaving early or not arriving at all.

8.  Create space to be alone. Leave time to be alone to absorb your feelings. You can use times of solitude to allow memories, both good and bad, to surface. It is also a good time for self-care. You may find you need more rest than you do normally. 

9.  Buy and wrap a gift to place under the tree to replace the one your loved one would have given you. (Or ask a friend to do your ill loved one's shopping.) It won't be the same, but it may help to fill the gap.

10.  When you're out and about, carry a list of phone numbers of close friends and family members you can trust to be understanding and supportive. Call one of them if you find that your grief has been triggered by reminders of life before the illness or the death. If you can't reach the first person you call, call the next one on the list and continue until you find someone who will give you a kindly ear and a telephone hug.

11.  Spend time with other grievers who understand your situation. It can help to be with others who understand without much explanation.

12.  Consider attending a "Blue Christmas" or similar service during the weeks before the holiday. (They're usually listed in your neighbourhood newspaper or on the Internet.) 

These services for people who are sad at the holidays are usually small, quiet, candle-lit gatherings with sensitive readings, soft music and reflective addresses designed to help you grieve as others celebrate. They are generally arranged so that you can stay for a cup of tea and support afterwards or slip away into the night.

13.  Journal your grief, your anger and your gratitude. The holidays tend to offer many opportunities to bite your tongue as people make inept attempts to comfort you. It's better to write your feelings in your journal than to act them out in the moment. 

Over time, your journal writings can also help to balance your remembrance of life before the illness or before your loved one's death. (Many of us pine for an idealized past that never actually existed.) Date your entries so you can look back and track your experience over time.

14.  Visit the cemetery or scattering ground. There is nothing morbid about visiting a loved one's grave. You might want to ask someone to drive you there but not visit the grave with you or you might want to go alone and then visit with a supportive friend afterward. 

You could take a wreath, fresh flowers, or a candle to decorate the grave. (And, perhaps, an unremembered grave of someone unknown to you.) You could also read a favourite passage, say a prayer, share your holiday plans, or just sit and share the silence. (Take a warm rug or a hot water bottle to hold if you want to sit awhile.)

15.  Ease the work of the holidays.  Be careful not to overwork. Pay someone to clean your house or ask several family members and friends to help with an hour-long cleaning blitz. Use wreaths and greenery to decorate your home instead of putting up a tree. Cut back decorations to a few favourites. Buy your baking. Draw for family gifts. Shop using the Internet or catalogues. Give gift certificates. Have a pot-luck holiday dinner, order in, or go out for a meal - or just gather for dessert and coffee at someone else's house.

 Whatever your final plans, may each of you who grieves this holiday season find love and comfort in the warm embrace of family and friends.

    

   

6 Soothing Self-Care Holiday Gifts ...

Hello, everyone! I'm glad to be back with you after a busier-than- usual month of teaching, writing and caring for an elderly friend who's had a number of TIA's and falls.

As many of you will know, I love Christmas and everything that leads up to it. But like you, I suspect, all the preparations and festivities can leave me feeling tired and frazzled unless I pay some particular attention to my self-care plan.

This year, I've found some wonderful self-care gifts that you might want to wrap up for yourself or to share with someone you love:

1. A Therapeutic Touch session: Therapeutic touch is a "hands-off" energetic process that promotes relaxation, decreases anxiety, alleviates or reduces pain, accelerates healing, and creates feelings of calmness, peace, well-being and balance in anyone seeking health maintenance and balance. There is an abundance of good research showing the benefits of TT and, oh my goodness, does it work!

Years ago, while I was writing my Master's thesis and stressed out of my mind, my husband (an advanced TT practitioner) decided to gift me with a TT session during his early morning meditation time. I was still in bed but later, when I got up for breakfast, it was all I could do to keep my head off the kitchen table, so relaxed was I!

2.  The Crazy Sexy Kitchen Cookbook: Kris Carr is a New York Times best-selling author, wellness advocate, cancer thriver and subject of the documentary, Crazy, Sexy Cancer.  In her great wellness cookbook, she says that our futures are being written with every meal - both a sobering and a hopeful thought.

This cookbook is an encyclopedia of delicious-ness with beautiful photography and mouthwatering vegetarian recipes. A great gift for cooks and eaters alike!

3. A new "colouring book": Colouring Mandalas: For Insight, Healing and Self Expression was created by Licensed Professional Counselor and Registered Art Therapist, Suzanne Fincher.

The word mandala comes from the classical Indian Sandskrit language. Loosely translated, it means "circle". A mandala is more than a pleasing circle, though. It symbolizes wholeness and is an integrated structure organized around a unifying center. 

In Buddhist and Hindu traditions, sacred art often takes the form of a mandala and Christian churches' rose windows are of mandala design. Tibetan Buddhist sand mandalas are some of the most exquisitely beautiful art forms I've seen.

Colouring a mandala is known to induce a relaxation response, bring order to chaos, draw attention away from the stimulation of the outer world, and offer opportunities for insight, balance and harmony. And it's a great activity to share with children and grandkids. This particular mandala book is available through your favourite on-line bookstore, or in Vancouver, through Banyen Books.

4. A typing interview with an Enneagram professional: Learning your Enneagram (ennea = nine and gram = picture) personality type is a gift that lasts a lifetime. It begins an adventure of self-discovery and personal growth that can help you to understand and be more compassionate with yourself and with others. It will also offer a lifelong path to becoming your best and most authentic self.

While it is possible to learn your type through books and on-line resources, an Enneagram workshop or an individual typing interview with an Enneagram professional can help you to make a more accurate determination of your type. (The Enneagram shows us both our strengths and shadow side and we all have a tendency to sidle away from acknowledging our shadow side.) A good Enneagram teacher or counsellor will gently hold up a mirror so you can see your reflection more accurately. 

There are several "schools" and training programs of Enneagram theory. Try to find someone who is certified in a school that resonates for you. You can start looking for a local practitioner through the Enneagram Worldwide or The Enneagram Institute websites.

5. Daily Joy: 365 Days of Inspiration: The National Geographic Society has published a lovely new daily reader just in time for the holidays. Daily Joy is a beautiful collection of 365 National Geographic photographs, each with a short inspirational quotation and I have to admit that I'm dipping into my copy already. 

This book is ideal for early morning contemplation or for a calming thought at the end of the day. Divided into 12 monthly sections, it covers topics such as renewal, love, authenticity, growth, courage, perspective, adventure, purpose, freedom, fulfillment, wisdom and faith.

6.  Peggy Cappy Yoga DVD: I've never been particularly drawn to the notion of yoga but, during a recent PBS donation campaign, I was introduced to Peggy Cappy's Yoga For the Rest of Us DVD's. Now, I'm hooked. I use her DVD's three times a week between my aquafit classes and I love them.

The Back Care Basics  DVD is a particularly good gift for those of us whose caring work involves lifting, carrying or steadying those who are unsteady on their feet.   

 I hope these few ideas will help to make the holidays less stressful for you all. If you have any other ideas to add to the self-care gift list, we would all be glad to hear them!

    

Teachers and Compassion Fatigue ...

... I remembered Bill, who was murdered in Texas the year after I taught him in sixth grade; Brian, who died in a car accident just after high school graduation; and Catherine, who struggled with a brain tumour in second grade.

 As teachers we feel the children in our classrooms become part of our lives. We witness them growing, learning, and becoming. Sometimes we witness and experience their tragedies as well. ...

Marj Vandenack in

Teaching With Fire: Poetry That Sustains the Courage to Teach

Sam Intrator and Megan Scribner, Editors

I have had three requests for Compassion Fatigue (CF) workshops for teachers in the past week (a really good thing!) but when I mentioned the fact to a neighbour, she laughed out loud and asked what on earth teachers needed with a compassion fatigue workshop. After all, they had easy jobs, short days and long vacations - what more could they ask?

My response was that, though sometimes maligned for just those reasons, teachers and teachers aides are as much at risk for CF as other helping professionals. They are confronted daily with students whose lives have been upended by trauma - trauma as varied as birth trauma; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; war, torture, or immigration trauma; poverty or privilege; chemical dependency; natural disasters; or medical trauma. Frequently, these students lack the resources to heal their emotional wounds and, thus, suffer a diminished capacity to learn. They and/or their families may share painful trauma stories and lean heavily upon their teachers for the care they cannot find in other places.

Emily Noble, past-president of the Canadian Teachers' Federation, has said:

I think that the whole idea of teaching has changed in the last 15-20 years. ... People are dealing with more high-need students, with more multicultural issues, and with no-fail policies. ... Teachers want to make a difference, but the supports are just not there."

And so, even (or especially) the very best of teachers are falling by the wayside. They push too hard, within a culture of expected endurance and self-sacrifice, to accommodate both an increasing administrative burden and the special needs of traumatized students. The result is increased sick time and the eventual attrition of excellent teachers.

One study of urban Saskatchewan teachers, by Ron Martin and Rod Dolmage of the University of Regina, indicates that 61% of respondents reported becoming ill due to stress, 40% had had to take time off work due to stress, and 51% would leave teaching if they could find an alternate career. (!)

Fortunately, CF is beginning to be acknowledged, alongside burnout, in education circles. As leaders in education learn about CF and adjust organizational policies to increase support and decrease trauma exposure in their teachers, the impact of trauma can decrease and the people and process of teaching and learning can be renewed.

Some CF research and resources for teachers include:

1.  Hooker, S  (2012)  The Cost of Caring   

http://www.teslontario.net/uploads/publications/contact/ContactSummer2012.pdf

2.  Hamilton, M  (2007)  What School Leaders Need to Know About Secondary Traumatic Stress

http://beyond-balance.com/documents/leadersarticle.pdf

3.  Marsay, G and Higson-Smith, C  Exploring Compassion Fatigue and Trauma in the South African Learning Environment

http://www.learningandviolence.net/violence.net/violence/MarsayViolence.pdf

4.  Wolpow, R et al (2009)  The Heart of Learning and Teaching: Compassion, Resiliency, and Academic Success

http://rems.ed.gov/docs/OSPI_TheHeartofLearningandTeaching.pdf