A New Study: Mindfulness for Mothers of Severely Disabled Children ...

Mindfulness is like that - it is a miracle which can call 
back in a flash our dispersed mind and restore it

to wholeness

so that we can live each minute of life.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Are you caring for a child with severe disabilities? Family caregiving can be hard work at the best of times but caregiving for a child or adult child with a severe disability takes an extra toll. Mothers of children with autism or other neurodevelopmental disabilities report high levels of stress, burnout, compassion fatigue, chronic sorrow, depression, and anxiety, all of which can have an impact on your wellness and resilience and on the way you care for your child.

A new study in the journal Pediatrics suggests that both mindfulness and positive psychology techniques can help to reduce your stress. Researcher, Elisabeth Dykens, and her colleagues randomly assigned 243 mothers to a six-week group treatment program employing either mindfulness techniques like deep-belly breathing or to a group using positive psychology exercises focused on building virtues like gratitude and patience. Trained mentors who also had children with disabilities led the weekly hour-and-a-half sessions. The mothers completed mental health assessments before, during and up to six months after the study. 

Before the study, 85% of the mothers reported significant levels of stress. Forty-one percent suffered from anxiety disorders and forty-eight percent were diagnosed as clinically depressed. (Chronic sorrow was not assessed perhaps altering the number seen as depressed.) 

In the mindfulness group, mentors used the Mindfulness-Bassed Stress Reduction Program (MBSR) developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn to teach breathing awareness, movement and meditation techniques. The specific techniques taught included breathing exercises, self-observation without self-judgement, loving-kindness meditation and Qigong (an ancient Chinese health care system integrating gentle movement, breathing techniques and focused attention) among others.

The positive psychology group learned techniques for dealing with feelings of guilt, worry, and pessimism. The techniques included exercises for identifying character strengths and fostering gratitude, forgiveness, grace and optimism.

Both treatments worked. Participants reported fewer feelings of anxiety and depression and fewer unhealthy parent-child interactions. Mothers slept better and experienced greater life satisfaction during and after the six week groups.  Some continued to improve over time.

Some differences were also noted in the effectiveness of the two groups. The mindfulness group showed more immediate improvement in anxiety, depression and insomnia, possibly due to the immediacy of the autonomic nervous system shift from fight-flight-freeze response to relaxation response. The positive psychology group, on the other hand, took longer to show results but the improvements in life satisfaction and depression were greater.

The study concluded that because both groups saw significant improvement, programs integrating both meditation and positive psychology should be developed.

I think this study provides evidence of a hopeful and practical means of calming the nervous systems of family caregivers, building resilience and improving quality of life. But many of you will look at it and say, "So, who has time to fit this into my already crowded day?!" And you will be right. Few caregivers can "find" the time for new practices like these. It will be more a matter of "carving out" time - giving up something else in order to make room, doing two things at once (eg meditating for the 20 minutes it takes to cook your potatoes), or asking a friend to be with your child as you practice.) However you do it, I think the benefits of adding practices like these to your life might just be worth a try...

*** Caveat:

Please remember that there are those who should not practice mindfulness meditation without first being assessed by their family physician or therapist. They include those who:

• have a history of mental illness or posttraumatic stress
• with thoughts of suicide
• misuse alcohol or other drugs
• are in the first year of addiction recovery
• are troubled by trauma triggers
• have difficulty maintaining a strong sense of self when quiet or alone.

Forgiveness or Reconciliation...

Anger and resentment can be a great drain on the energy of anyone with compassion fatigue or chronic sorrow. And forgiveness or reconciliation can bring equally great renewal.

Forgiveness is different from reconciliation. As marriage and family therapist, Tom Moon, says, "Forgiveness means letting go of the past, but reconciliation is about committing to a future."

Forgiveness means letting go of anger, resentment, hurt, judgment and condemnation. It means giving up the victim role and the desire for revenge. It is something we do on our own, for ourselves, to prevent these feelings and actions from poisoning our own lives.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a process where both parties own and acknowledge their parts in the problem, without excuse or blame, and strive to restore trust in the relationship. It's something we do together for the sake of the relationship.

We are free to choose forgiveness or reconciliation as our goal in any situation. And, oddly enough, when we know that we don't have to reconcile, we can often be more generous with our forgiveness. (Fear of being hurt again by an unrepentant person can be a legitimate reason for forgiving but not reconciling.)

Both forgiveness and reconciliation are processes, often lengthy ones, so they can take patience and persistence. In considering forgiving someone, Tian Dayton, PhD, author of The Magic of Forgiveness, suggests writing the answers to the following questions:

1. What is the forgiveness issue I'm working with?

2. Where am I stuck?

3. What will I gain if I forgive?

4. What will I need to give up if I forgive?

5. Why am I afraid to forgive?

6. What feelings keep coming up when I contemplate forgiving?

7. What do I feel angry about?

8. What do I feel sad about?

9. What, if anything, am I holding against myself?

10. What, if anything, am I holding against someone else?

11. What do I think forgiving myself or this person will mean?

12. What do I want it to mean?

13. What am I afraid it might mean?

14. What do I imagine forgiveness can give me that I don't have now?

Reflecting on these questions can help to ready us for the steps to forgiveness listed on the website for Zen Habits by therapist, Allison Mupas, MFT:

1. Journal or talk to someone about what happened, your feelings, and let it all out.

2. Look at your side of the event, disagreement, or problem. How did you participate? Do you have anything to clean up? ("Clean up" means take responsibility for.)

3. Consider whether you're even willing to forgive yet. If not, take some steps to work through the underlying feelings.

4. Make the decision to forgive anyone involved in the situation. Don't forget yourself, if you need it. Decide if you need to say or write anything to anyone involved to get your feelings out and be heard.

The person you are forgiving does not need to be willing to receive them or to be present for you to complete this process. You can ask an objective person to be on the receiving end if you don't feel safe or comfortable going to the person with whom you're upset. You can visualize that you are speaking to that person when you are speaking to a friend or objective listener.

5. Let go! Keep in mind that you are choosing to forgive. If you are holding on to a belief that the other person has to do something before you forgive, you may be choosing to remain stuck. If you find situations re-stimulating the old feelings of hurt, you may need to repeat step 1.

Keep in mind that this process is not easy but it is very rewarding and can be very freeing...

If you are having difficulty with your forgiveness or reconciliation process, you might want to contact a counsellor, spiritual advisor or professional coach for help.